a gthing science project

Posted by Sam at August 28th, 2006

Man, my hair is getting pretty long. A while back McSteve and I made one of those whimsical resolutions; “Let’s grow our hair out long,” as if we both shared a head of hair which had its style controlled democratically.

Since then, it’s been sort of a contest to see whose hair is longest on any given day. McSteve wins every time. I have numerous theories about this, and why his hair appear to grow faster (including one involving a hair-growth solution made from peanut butter). To my credit, mine is certainly longer all-around, and far more unkempt, while his looks more like Clark Kent.

The rest of this article is about hair. My hair to be exact. It’s kinda like one of those pre-teen girl’s blogs about like, what to wear, and OMG what color of nail polish to use. Except in this article I’m not a pre-teen girl. I’m still just me.

It’s late enough (4:15am) that you’ve gotten me talking about hair.

So the question now is what to do with it? It’s getting long enough that it’s in my face all the time. I’ve always wanted to have long hair, just to say I’ve had it, and so I’m driven to let it continue to grow. At the same time, girls look at me funny and parents shield their children’s eyes from my unwieldy mane.

Speaking of parents, last time I was in town my parents commented that my hair looked good. I am suspicious that they were using reverse psychology to get me to cut it because I’ve never known my mom to approve of long hair on boys. At any rate, parental approval is usually a sign that your hair style is either 30 years out of date or just really nerdy. I guess it could also be a sign that your parents are hip and with it, but that scenario is not likely.

One thing I like is that having semi-long hair sets me out from the Happy Valley crowd. Everyone around here has this short summer-sales haircut. I keep imagining to myself that there are some hot girls out there that like longer hair and 5 O’clock shadows on boys, and that I’m like a diamond in the rough to those girls. This theory has yet to be proven.

Having long hair is like a blank canvas. I open myself up to all sorts of possibilities in regards to style. I can have an awesome mohawk, a mullet, a flat-top (Kid n’ Play style), or any number of styles that you’d usually have to wait for your hair to grow out. This makes it seem lik cutting it all off might be a waste. Why cut it off when I could have a mullet?

I ’spose at some point I’m going to have to give up my homeless guy image. Long messy hair, never clean shaven, living in cardboard boxes under the viaduct, etc.

The real ultimate way to decide what to do with my hair is a democratic vote. But in this vote, the only participants are hot girls (my target demographic). If anyone can come up with some sort of voting machine that can verify female hotness, please let me know.

Posted by Sam at August 20th, 2006

There are a lot of things out there that bring a lot of joy to a lot of people but I just “don’t get.” Let me also state that when I say “don’t get” I really mean it. These things are lost on me, I lack understanding, my brain can not contemplate the value of these things.

One of those things is dancing.

If I didn’t know any better, I would think dancing was an invention of our generation. It seems like such an activity would fit right in with other stupid things such as MTV, reality television, and other insults-on-intellegence that pass as entertainment.

But no, dancing has been around forever. People were dancing all over the place in the Old Testament - although their dancing must have been much better because it made people commit adultery and stuff - nowadays it just makes me want to vomit and stab my eyes with searing red-hot needles.

Still, people have been dancing forever. Inventing new styles of dance, having dance competitions, showing off how well they can dance, etc. People love it. People devote their lives to it and there are even several ridiculously bad movies about it.

But I just can’t wrap my head around it. What purpose does it serve? People running around like idiots waving their arms all over the place seems incredibly awkward to me. People holding on to each other and spinning around doesn’t make any sense. What does it give us? It’s not fun - it’s mostly just weird and uncomfortable.

People are always wanting to go to dance clubs so they can dance. I’m sorry, but standing in a big room with several hundred other sweaty people who are jumping up and down and touching me while lights give me an epileptic seizure and fog gives me vertigo sounds like a really bloody horrible weekend. Like, if I didn’t know that people already did this kinda thing for fun and I was an evil dictator, I would punish my subjects with just such a scenario.

I don’t think I can remember ever seeing someone dance and thinking “wow, that looks incredibly cool - I want to try that!” Dancing has only ever made me scratch my head or, in the case of the “Macarena,” severely damaged my fragile psyche and inhibited my ability to not murder people who I see doing it.

Even dumber than regular old dancing is line dancing. In line dancing you get a bunch of people in stupid hats to somehow belittle themselves into walking sideways in unison and then slapping their shoes. Its like synchronized swimming without the water and without the swimmers.

At least synchronized swimming looks cool when filmed from above and can make you laugh. Line dancing just makes you wonder how a bunch of brain-dead retards are managing to display enough intelligence to make the same seemingly random gyrations at the same time.

Now it’s time for a caveat. I have to say that break dancing is awesome. Those guys jump around like idiots for a second or two at first, but it’s only in preparation for the extreme awesomeness that follows. These guys flip all around doing windmills and flares and look really cool while doing it. Break dancing looks really hard and displays some visually appealing and unusual way to use the human body - that’s why it can still be cool.

At one point I thought swing dancing was really cool too, because you get to throw people. Turns out that, besides the throwing of people, swing dancing is lame too.

I can’t exactly say something is stupid without offering an alternative pastime. So, next time you want to go dancing, drink Draino and die instead. It has several benefits including, but not limited to; ends the dancing fever, and you’re supporting an American company, S.C. Johnson & Son of Racine, Wisconsin, with your purchase of their fine drain cleaning product.

(Sorry Tessa).

Technorati Tags: dancing, rant, dance

Posted by Sam at August 18th, 2006

I got my computer back today. Last night I checked and Apple said they had not sent it out yet. So this morning I woke up and went to work thinking nothing of it. I checked around 11am on Apple’s status page and it said it had been shipped.

So I checked the tracking information and DHL had already attempted delivery! I called and asked if I could come pick it up after the driver’s route and they said that would be okay. They said it couldn’t be delivered without a signature and that they would have it there after 5:30.

I went home after work for a few minutes and noticed a large brown box at the side door. Sure enough, it was my computer. It was never recorded as delivered (think I could score a few grand by claiming I never got it?) and nobody signed for it despite the sticker on the box “Do no deliver without signature.”

So DHL is kinda retarded, but I’m pretty happy I got my computer back so quick, so I guess I can’t be angry that they almost made me drive to American Fork to pick it up.

My now fixed Macbook Pro runs quieter and cooler. The sound I sent it in to get fixed is still there, but it’s barely noticeable now - at least it doesn’t pierce into my brain causing nightly aneurysms.

Technorati Tags: apple, mac, macbook, usb

Posted by Sam at August 17th, 2006

In case you missed it, the live photoframe is live again on my right sidebar.  These images are all uploaded by readers and are displayed on my photoframe which is now hanging in my kitchen.  They also appear randomly here on the site.  Feel free to upload your own here or enjoy a random image someone else uploaded here.

Posted by Sam at August 16th, 2006

Orbitz is retarded: Manages to have no record of my flight the day after I spent an hour on the phone with them booking it. They insist on speaking to my bank and asking them to refund the money even though I don’t want a refund - I want plane tickets!

After being disconnected, I call back and the new representitive says there is no problem with my tickets and gives me my confirmation numbers. So I get my money back and still have my tickets. Good move.

Comcast is retarded: Signs me up for a new Internet package costing $19/mo for 6 months. The data line is 6Mbps. Somehow, after my modem arrives (which I had to pruchase to get the deal), this plan no longer exists. It’s now $29/mo for a 4Mbps data line. Hook. Line. Sinker.

To add insult to injury, they also never even hooked up my line or had any record that I had requested service a WEEK ago. Another day to wait. They also tried to charge me two hook-up fees instead of zero of them.

Time Traveler: Well, I think this just speaks for itself.

I retract my statement about the time traveler being retarded. He’s awesome. I would go.

***Other companies and their retardation status: ***

DHL is not retarded. They got my package from Provo at 4pm yesterday to Texas by 10am this morning. They might be in cahoots with the time traveler.

Apple is on my watch list - they may or may not be retarded. Although they reported receiving my computer for repairs today, we’ll see how long it takes them to fix it (if they fix it). Should I receive it before Friday with the problem fixed, they will most definately earn not retarded status.

Holly Holm is not retarded. She’s not a company, but she did let me borrow her notebook while mine is away for repairs. In return, I am making it function properly for her.

Strange Monster is not retarded. After their order system fouled up my sizing information, they ended up being OUT of the size of shirt I had ordered. All they had was an XL.

The dude offered to cut the design out of the XL and sew it on to a medium for me. This even ended up being much cooler than the design would have been simply screen printed on. He almost certainly lost money on materials and time (the shirt was on sale for $8 to begin with), but they do business as I do business, so I will shop there again, and recommend them to my friends.

The shirt, by the way, has made me irresistable to women, given me super-human strength, and increased the size of my brain 10x. That last one is actually due to a brain tumor (kidding - it is really the shirt).

Allens (a local Utah supermarket chain that happens to be the only one close to my house) is most unequivocally retarded. Want some soap? Try the soap isle! Want some shampoo? It’s on the other side of the store with the yarn and wood chips. Beverages? Under the employee bathroom sink. Cereal? Randomly scattered among the fresh fruits and vegetables (which are on opposite sides of the store).

Frozen pizzas are located 3 blocks down in a safe submerged in acid with laser beam-shooting sharks and armed guards perched atop an inaccessable platform with spikes protruding from underneath and motion tracking missile tourets. Also, there are dogs that shoot bees out of their mouths when they bark.

Milk is in the dairy section.

Posted by Sam at August 14th, 2006

I have made the requisite travel arrangments to visit New York City in mid-September. I will be there from the ninth to the 16th.

When it is closer to the travel time I will release flight details as well as live tracking information. I don’t want to give any of my enemies time to plan anything.

One interesting thing is that I will be in New York on Sept. 11th, which will be the 5th anniversary of the attacks. There will probably be some kind of event, which would be cool to go to.

If anyone else is interested or would like to meet me in New York, drop me a line.

Posted by Sam at August 14th, 2006

I am now officially computerless.  I have sent my Macbook Pro off to Apple for repairs on the logic board for CPU whine problems (references here, here, and here).  Even though I send my computer overnight and they overnight it back to me, the Apple representative told me it could take up to seven days to get it back.

This, of course, presents problems since part of my income is dependent on me being in front of my computer for a little while every day.  For now, I have my desktop downstairs still (in my little brother’s room), and my phone which will allow me to keep up on emails and the like as well as post to my blog.

So I should be okay on the computer front.  The other battle is what am I going to do with my life?  I’ll be unplugged for up to seven days.  It’s like fasting, but worse.  I need my daily information fix!  I need to feel connected to the world.

There is another laptop floating around.  Currently it is in possession of my ex-girlfriend who has offered to give it back to me but has yet to produce it.  It’s pretty crappy but could certainly tide me over.

We shall see.  I will keep you posted on what life is like without a computer.  It’s almost as if I lived in the late 1800’s or something.

Posted by Sam at August 13th, 2006

Great movie idea: Snakes On A Winnebago. A family vacation goes wrong when they realize their recrational vehicle is chalk full of poisonous snakes. They can’t stop and get out because there is a bomb on the Winnebago that will go off if they drive below 55mph.

Crossing the Wyoming desert, the father takes matters into his own hands with a golf club and a heart full of courage. Will they survive? Can Samuel L. Jackson save them? Only time will tell.

Posted by Sam at August 10th, 2006

I have a $380 credit on United airlines that I have to use by Sept. 21.  In other words, I have to be back in Utah on that date.  Does anyone want to take a trip?  Where should I/we go?

Posted by Sam at August 10th, 2006

After reading the title you should be saying “and?” like in a sarcastic this-isn’t-news sort of way. But for those of you who aren’t up on AOL’s latest tomfoolery, I want to tell you all about it.

When you search for something on your favorite search engine, we’ll say google because that’s probably what you use, all you searches are stored. In other words, there is a big database at google with your IP address, everything you’ve ever searched for (via google’s permanent cookie), and the results you got (probably the one’s you clicked on).

The only way to link this data back to you, specifically, is to get in touch with the ISP who can tie an IP address to an account or user. But if you think about it, people could probably identify you just by your searches, not even needing you IP address.

AOL is a bit different since they are an ISP and a search engine. They tie all your searches to your name and keep it in a big database. So here’s how the conversation went last week at AOL:

Employee: Hey, we should release all of our search data into the wild!
Boss: Why would we want to do that?
Employee: Because it’s pretty cool. Look at all this crap people are searching for - “Nazi Eskimo Lesbians” - I mean, we gotta show this stuff to the world, we’ll be famous!
Boss: (is now staring at a paper clip picking his nose)
a long pause
The boss passes out drunk
Employee: Cool.

The employee then proceeds to upload several million search queries onto the internets. Instead of giving out usernames, though, he ties everything to a randomly assigned user ID.

No big deal right? He’s protecting people’s privacy, right? Wrong.

Let’s have some fun, shall we? So even though AOL sobered up after the weekend and took down all this data, it was mirrored all over the place. Let’s do some searches!

I enter the word clown, to see what kind of searches have been taking place, and come across user 3500164 who has searched for “pictures of shawn mayans and the clown on scary movie 2 under the bed trying to get the clown on scary movie 2″ Okay, so immediately we know user 3500164 is retarded, because he doesn’t know how to properly search for anything.

So I cross reference user 3500164 to see what else he has been searching for. Ohhh … this guy really likes Shawn Wayans. I mean, really likes. To his credit, after 15 pages of searching for gay men pictures, he did do one search for nude women, maybe a friend used his computer? Oh, 3500164 also likes Final Fantasy 10, cheating at zelda, and 15 year old gay boys.

Moving on…

User 10898103 drives a Nissan, has a pest infested house, is a nark, and banks at amsouthbank.com

User 8390663 dates onlines, enjoys adult cartoons, plays games on yahoo, and wishes to be employed at Little Ceasars.

Here’s where it starts getting scary. Keep in mind this is just what I’ve found searching the database for myself for a few minutes.

User 5683564 lives in Lake Chelan, Washington. He has a Doberman. He has searched for “Henry Jolly.” He enjoys girl next door songs. One of their kids plays soccer. They live in the Utleyville neighborhood. They play morrowind. They cheat at Morrowind. They enjoy visiting the tri-cities area. They have a puma back pack. They visit Oasis water park in kenniwick. They own a Vivitar vivicam 4000. They go to Everett Clinic in Snohomish. They beat morrowind. They are contemplating a move to Florida. Their last name is Pike. Searched for “Dan Weyer” They really enjoy history.

You can see how easy it would be to drill this data down to find the person. I know their neighborhood, their clinic, what soccer league their kid is in, the places they go, and the people they associate with.

What was AOL thinking?

p.s. A fun gthing.net search is “is retarded.” Look at all the things I think are retarded!