a gthing science project

Posted by Sam at September 29th, 2006

Last weekend McSteve, Tyler, Ed and I went down to St. George for Bryce’s wedding. We spent the evening before with Bryce talking and having a jolly ‘ol time. Bryce pulled out one of those books you get when you’re about to get married. It was filled with daily “positions” for you and your partner to try. Many of them ridiculous, some insane, and some next to impossible, like this one:

See what I mean? Unless your girl happens to be a blowup doll this looks pretty unlikely to me. It also looks really dangerous for the guy, but that’s another story.

To test the feasibility of such a maneuver, I recruited McSteve and Tyler to give it a whirl … for the sake of science. McSteve has a small, girlish figure so he was naturally assigned as the woman in this scenario. Tyler was the only other one willing to participate, so he became the man (or stayed as a man, I guess).

My favorite thing about this picture is the look on McSteve’s face. Tyler just looks confused.

Since our first test was successful, we decided to try an even more difficult procedure. In this photo both McSteve and Tyler (say it fast and it sounds like McStephen Tyler) were only allowed the use of one hand. McSteve opted for a Superman flying pose while Tyler went for the classic rodeo cowboy.

I’m sure glad there’s no picture of me like this floating around the Internet.

Posted by Sam at September 24th, 2006

Scientists have actually created a machine that they plan on using to make small black holes. They will also be making small reproductions of the big bang.

Now, don’t get me wrong - I love science as much as the next guy. Particle accelerators are cool, and black holes are fun and all that. But let’s be serious - do we want a black hole sitting on the surface of our planet? I mean, isn’t that - I don’t know - sort of dangerous?

There are two things that could happen:

1. A black hole forms. It’s incredible density causes it to fall through the ground like a bowling ball falling from the sky. It falls all the way to the center of the earth, consuming everything in its path, and continues moving until it reaches the other side. It will then change directions and do it all over again going the other way.

This will continue until it has consumed so much of the earths mass into a very small point that it gets too heavy and sits right in the middle of the earth, eventually sucking everything else into it’s core. Life as we know it will be reduced into something slightly bigger than a single mathematical point. If you thought getting all those clowns in such a small car was impressive, wait until you see this! (Note, you probably won’t see it since the light around you will be being sucked into the black hole. Also your eyes will be being sucked into the black hole along with the rest of you).

2. A black hole forms. It quickly goes away.

It is important to note that I didn’t make up the first scenario. It is actually possible that we will see that played out when they switch this machine on next year. Granted, the calculated risk of such an event is 1 in 10^-40. That means if you place a bet of $1 with a bookie that the earth will be destroyed, and it actually happens - he’ll owe you $10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. How could you NOT place that bet? In fact, I think I’m going to start up a new website to place bets on the earth being destroyed.

For those of you out there who have made plans beyond a year, don’t worry - the machine will actually take something like 20 years to complete its experiment. You may still have time to travel to world and/or raise a kid before the earth gets sucked into itself.

Posted by Sam at September 21st, 2006

Last night I was at CompUSA shopping for a new monitor. I got one, by the way, a 20.1″ widescreen that is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen (besides a 24″ or 30″ widescreen). While there, I took a peek over at the current PC laptops to see if any major advances have been made from the days of clunky plastic and poor design that turned me to the dark side that is Apple computers earlier this year.

No advances have been made. In fact, when I noticed Acer’s latest offering I just had to laugh. It’s hard for me to describe to you how HUGE this thing is and have you understand without actually seeing this monstrosity. You may just need to take a trip to CompUSA to see it for yourself - it is truly a site to behold.

This is one of the cnet editors who can barely see over the behemoth. It has a 20.1″ widescreen monitor (the same size as the one I bought) that is actually thicker than a standalone LCD monitor. The back up the laptop has a huge plastic lip designed to keep the computer from falling over when the display is adjusted backward.

At nearly 20 lbs., I guess the good thing about this “laptop” is that it is a theft deterrent in an of itself. If anyone tries to steal it, you just drop it on them and they will surely be crushed under its girth. The bad part is, if you ever actually do try to use it on your lap it will cut off your circulation and your legs will turn black and fall off. You won’t be able to get the computer off your lap either - oh, you can try but it’s physically impossible to lift twice your weight will in a sitting position.

Acer has truly redefined the word “portable” to mean something more akin to “not portable.” The product manual for this “laptop” even suggests that you not put it on a desk because it will surely cave under the weight. If you do need to move it, they suggest an external frame backpacking bag, pack mule, or flatbed truck.

“Laptop Transporter”
From the Acer accessories page.

As if one huge Acer was not enough, Dell has introduced a laptop just as big, if not bigger. As you can see, it is a convenient choice if you ride the subway.

I think I’m going to buy one of these just as a joke. I’d never use it, of course, but just have it around for laughs. I’d love to try to take one and use it on an airplane. Better yet, why not just mount a monitor on the side of my desktop computer with a hinge? Pretty much the same thing.

Posted by Sam at September 15th, 2006

Here is a screencap of the three of us on the daily show. From left to right we have Jon Stewart, Danny (blue shirt), Me (Green shirt), and Oli (White shirt).

So I’m pretty famous now. My agent will be fielding all my calls from now on.

Posted by Sam at September 15th, 2006

Applebee’s Around the World

Well folks, we have one more day here in New York. We decided to stay in a hotel tonight and our last night because we were sick of staying with people who had weird room mates. The hotel has Internet and a shower, which are the two necessities we’ve been missing. It’s nice to get into a clean place with all the latest amenities.

So let’s see, what have we done? Most days we just head out looking for food and then do whatever we come up with during the day. We’ve been to Times Square several times but it’s total crap. They have McDonald’s, TGI Fridays, ESPN Zone (which, regrettably, we visited), Applebee’s, and so on. Who on earth would visit New York and go to one of these crappy restaurants?

New York is all about finding the cool places, not the corporate whore places. The little pizza place on the corner, the deli full of scary looking people, and even the whole foods market in Columbus Circle (which is delicious), is what New York is all about.

So we’ve tried to stay away from the mainstream tourist traps for the most part. You can travel all over the world and eat at Hard Rock Cafe, but then you’ve just seen a bunch of the same place in a different setting. Nothing could be more lame.

So far, of all the places we’ve eaten, I like the whole foods market the best. They have a bunch of restaurants inside this health food store where you can find anything you want. The pizza, which is sold by the pound, is excellent. We’ve been trying to outdo one another with the amount of Pizza we can eat and so far I am the winner with a one pound piece of pizza. Go me.

Weird Room Mate

The last two nights we were staying at this kid Matt’s house at Columbia University. Sleeping accommodations were surprisingly good, with two futons and a couch to sleep on - but his room mate is totally weird. Let me tell you about this kid.

First of all, he listens to the Howard Stern channel on satellite radio all day. And when I say ALL DAY, I mean ALL DAY - even if he is not home. He turns it up loud enough to fill the whole apartment, leaves his door open, and disembarks for his days journey.

The first morning we were there he started with the Howard Stern at about 7am, having no regard for us our our slumber. He then left the apartment for school, leaving his radio on and his door open. We eventually closed the door due to being unable to sleep. When he returned for lunch, he opened his door again, and left his music on.

I witnessed him leaving after lunch, opening the door to exit the apartment he paused as if he just realized something. He returned to his room and turned his light on, then left. The explanation for this bizarre behavior is unknown at this time - but I assume it has something to do with a jewish conspiracy to waste electricity for no reason.

The Towel

Staying at this apartment for two days presented another problem. Due to lack of towels, we were unable to shower. We set out after the first night to find towels. Unfortunately our chosen locale (Times Square) isn’t exactly a hotbed of towel retailers and the Target located there according to a local has no entrance, a slight error that must have been made when they were building it (I don’t believe there is a Target in times square).

Oli was so desperate to shower that he purchased a beach towel from Planet Hollywood for $22. Upon returning home for the evening, however, he realized that the towel smelled like Times Square and deemed it unfit for purposes of cleanliness and decided to go another day without showering. He eventually left the towel at Matt’s apartment, unused. It wasn’t even ever taken out of the bag.

Filmed Before a Live Studio Audience

While in town we were able to see the Late Show with David Letterman, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, and The Colbert Report. Of all these, The Daily Show was my favorite. We were able to obtain VIP tickets by waiting in line all day Monday for standby tickets and then failing to get in. The lady there had mercy on us and put our group as well as two others on a special list, allowing us to bypass the line altogether on Wednesday. Our seats were excellent (stage right).

Oli also saw Conan O’brien today while Danny and I walked through central park. I’m glad he got to go as it was his number one goal, but Danny and I were studio-audienced out. Central Park was nice. We ate dinner with Merrady at a restaurant that was almost exactly like the one Zach Braff works at in Garden State. It was delicious.

Here are some pictures from our first few days in New York. I didn’t bring my camera because Danny was bringing his and it’s smaller. What I didn’t realize was that Danny would never dream of using his camera because, well, he doesn’t want to look like a tourist, or show any emotion or interest in anything. So these pictures are from Jake’s camera.

Me in Jake’s dad’s apartment. Those are my cookies.

Me and Oli riding the subway. I like everything about public transportation
except how dirty you feel after touching any surface.

Ground zero. We went on Sept. 10 and Pres. Bush was there. We didn’t stay
to watch his speech or whatever. There were lots of crazy people there
saying the government was behind 9/11 and other crazy people saying
not to listen to the first crazy people. It left me not trusting either side.

Oli and I ate the Lovely Day cafe.

Sitting on a rock in Central Park. I got the bag at H&M and it was about the
best thing for New York. Perfect for my map, wallet, and phone. McSteve got a
similar one when he was in New York so when I saw it I was reminded of how
awesome it was.

Danny and Oli in central park.

Guess who.

Jake and I walking back to his apartment after a long day of adventures.

Posted by Sam at September 12th, 2006

Today was Dave Letterman day. Since we already had tickets we were able to sleep in and arrive at the studio later in the day than our failed Daily Show attempt of yesterday (that’s another story).

We unfortunately got crap seats. The people kept saying seating was random but it appeared that everyone who walked in with us sat in about the same place (the balcony). If you watched the show, you could see me waving my arms in the balcony when the camera panned over us. So I’m pretty famous now.

After the show we went back to Jake’s dad’s apartment where we have been staying and got out belongings. We then made our way up to Columbia where we are staying now. Even though it’s a University campus, the internet is t3h sux0r and I’m using my phone for Internet. That means no pictures because it’s too slow.

Tomorrow we have tickets for the daily show - so be watching for us in the audience.

Posted by Sam at September 10th, 2006

Since I’m with Jake now, JakeJack will tell you exactly where I am at all times, just in case you’re obsessed with me and where I am.

Posted by Sam at September 10th, 2006

We arrived in New York LGA at 11:00pm. The flight was pretty good, some minor turbulence. I took a Lorazepam to calm myself during the flight (I don’t like flying) and it seemed to work. I had a good time.

The back row was open so about halfway through the flight I went back there and just laid down and rested. Oli and I played some network connect-4 and that was about it. Here is a picture of our meal:

Oh, I did

So we got off the plane, got our luggage sorted out (I only brought one carry on). Then we stood outside for about half an hour trying to catch the bus. The one we needed to be on drove by once but didn’t stop for some reason. Apparently you have to flag them down or something.

So we rode the bus to the train station where we met up with Jake. More waiting for the train to come. Subway stations are hot I learned.

Yo dude

Now we’re at Jake’s Dad’s apartment where we have obtained some snacks and made our sleeping arrangements. Tomorrow is “Broadway on Broadway” and some other stuff so it should be fun. Check back for more details on my life that is more exciting than yours.

Posted by Sam at September 9th, 2006

Today I fly to New York with Danny and Oli. I am sitting at the airport waiting to board. As with every time I fly, they searched me extra at the security gate - taking swabs from my computer and putting them in a machine to see if there was explosives residue.

Right now they’re playing the news at the gate. Its been talking about Osama Bin Laden and terrorist attacks on planes. It’s a very positive message for people about to fly.

Posted by Sam at September 7th, 2006

Whoever came up with the idea for mail in rebates should be shot, killed, stabbed, wounded, chopped up, buried, unburied, vaporized, and shot onto the surface of the sun. Then the same for their family, their pets, and anyone who has even seen or known them. They should then be vilified in all writings, movies, music, and other media from now until the end of time.

I hate rebates.

Rebates are a clever marketing scheme that some douche came up with to make money. With rebates, you can advertise things for really cheap but actually sell them for a lot more. The deal for a free computer seems great until you read the fine print which says you have to fill out 100 rebate forms and then wait 1,000 weeks to maybe get a mailbox full of rebate checks that expire before you even got them.

First and foremost, rebates feed on the lazy. I take this as a personal attack on my way of life. You already know that the manufacturer simply counts on most people being too lazy to fill out their 12 rebate forms for something that is going to take several months to get back to them.

We are a society that wants things NOW! We don’t care about $10 in several months - we could be dead by then. And what would we have to say for ourselves? We spent out time on this earth filling out rebate forms, only to die before seeing our return.

You see, the rebates are always split up into small meaningless amounts. One rebate for $200 might be worth it, but not 20 rebates for $.01, $.50, $1.00,$5.00,$20.00, etc. They make each rebate worth less than the stamp you will have to buy to send it in to them.

Even if you do fill out the rebate form, its hit or miss if you’ll ever actually get the rebate. They make the waiting period so long you just forget about it, or fill up their forms with weird requirements so that you don’t qualify for the rebate (fill out this form, put your name here in all lower case, here with the second letter of each word in your name in ASCII codes, and here backwards, also include a DNA sample and a 100 page original dissertation on the socioeconomic ramifications of deforestation in southeast Asia). If you miss a single instruction, no matter how insignificant, they disqualify you without notice, not that you noticed anyway because you’ve already worked the extra money out of your budget.

I don’t buy anything with rebates. I see something for $20 after rebate and I think to myself; “self, if you pay more than $20 for that, you’re a sucker. Yet, if you count on the rebate you are also a sucker. Self, go buy something else.”

At least one store, Best Buy I think, has promised to put an end to all the nonsense. They did, however, give themselves a timeframe of several years to do it. I doubt they will ever get rid of the rebates honestly, because so many people are lured in by their promises of cheap products and free money-by-mail.

I hope you will all join me in boycotting any product with a mail-in rebate. Buy things from people who aren’t trying to scam your money away from you by posting low prices with big up-front costs in the fine print.

Go add up how many rebate forms you have sitting on your desk that you have yet to send in. This is the amount that has been swindled away from you.