a gthing science project

Posted by Sam at October 4th, 2007

Good news everybody, the hole in the ozone layer closed up by 30% this year! Clearly we’re doing something right. It must be all the aerosols that we gave up, or the fact that more and more of people are … umm … walking places.

“Scientists” have long stated that we are the cause of the ozone hole, that it is bad, that we should be ashamed of ourselves, and that we need to go to our rooms until father gets home. So what do they say about this latest development?

“Scientists say this year’s smaller hole… is due to natural variations in temperature and atmospheric dynamics… and is not indicative of a long-term trend. ‘Although the hole is somewhat smaller than usual, we cannot conclude from this that the ozone layer is recovering already’ … “

Wait - wtf? So the hole can’t get bigger due to variations in temperature and “atmospheric dynamic,” but it can get smaller? I see - only selfish resource-hogging humans can make the hole bigger, but only a bit of magical atmospheric dynamics can make it smaller. Why are we even trying, then? I want my aerosols back!

Here is the true story, for anyone interested:

Researches don’t get paid a salary by some company for their efforts. They rely solely on grants from foundations and the government. Therefore, the more they can ring the alarm bell on environmental issues, the more they can get grants and continue their hippie lifestyles. Therefore, all through the 90’s it was “ozone layer, ozone layer, ozone layer!” but now that its obvious they were wrong, they’ve move on.

Now everyone is jumping ship to the rising tide of “global warming.” I mean think about it - nobody cares about the ozone layer anymore - its all about melting ice caps, baby! It’s really a much more lucrative psuedo-science to get into. You can’t really keep sounding the alarm over a hole that isn’t going to get any bigger.

As a /. commenter noted, just wait another 10 years and you will see the next great alarmist trend. In the 60’s and early 70’s it was the oil crisis, the 70’s was global cooling, in the 80’s it was overpopulation, the 90’s had the ozone craze, and now we have global warming. Anyone care to place bets on the great catastrophe of the twenty-teens? I’ve got some guesses:

• Nanobot armies are going to destroy humanity! Scientists say “Sorry, this time its OUR bad.”
• Shrinking ozone hole causes penguin overpopulation - pending penguin invasion means certain doom!
• Global Boringness: The temperature is staying the same because of bagels! Think of the children, stop eating bagels!
• Global Positioning: We’re falling into the sun, and it’s all Wal*Mart’s fault!
• Global time travel: Jets are causing the earth to spin slower! It will eventually start spinning in the opposite direction! Stop flying before it becomes too early!

Posted by Sam at October 1st, 2007

I went to Costco today, which a glance at the post date will reveal is Oct. 1, 2007. I was immediately surprised to hear music while walking in - Costco doesn’t usually pipe in music for maximum shopping pleasure. What was even more puzzling was that it was Christmas music. Bewildered, I stopped and looked around to find the source of the offensive melody.

To my horror, I saw two full rows of products, up front by the register, full of all things Christmas. Lights, lawn decorations, and various other nick-nacks - shamelessly being hocked off to the masses.

Okay, the day after Thanksgiving thing was okay. Black Friday - I get it - one month left, better get shopping. In recent years, Thanksgiving itself has had the dark shadow of Christmas drawn over it and had been turned into a practice Christmas - as if Thanksgiving had become Christmas’s bastardized little brother - unworthy of having 100% of holiday attention given to it.

But I ask you, which is the better holiday? On one you get to eat a bunch of delicious food and fall asleep, on the other you have to endure weeks of stress, horrible traffic, stupid people, lines at the malls, spending money on worthless crap nobody really wants, and traveling in the worst season for travel ever. Thanksgiving is awesome. Christmas, though? Meh.

The market doesn’t care. If businesses could start Christmas preparation in January they would. All other holidays would follow the path of Thanksgiving and merely become stepping stones toward Christmas. “It’s already St. Patrick’s day! Have you done your Christmas shopping yet?!” Already Halloween has been taken - Oct. 1st begins Christmas season, at least at Costco (and probably elsewhere - who knows, I don’t get out much). They’d probably even have us preparing for next year’s Christmas before this year’s even happens. Give the elves a break!

Labor Day: Watch out, you’re next on the chopping block.

In closing, I would like to remind you to vote for me. Not only will I get chocolate milk in the drinking fountains, but I will put a maximum 30 day preparation limit on Christmas. People will get tickets if anything Christmas related is on display or in public view.