Posted by Sam at December 12th, 2007
I was scribbling a note onto a piece of paper yesterday when I paused to think about the spelling of a word I was about to write.
I haphazardly wrote the word incorrectly, expecting - for just a moment - that I could use spellcheck to fix it.
Posted by Sam at December 11th, 2007
I just moved into a new place and have yet to procure a television. Even though I am somewhat anti-television (to an extent), it is weird how you don’t feel fully settled until you have a boob tube to come home to.
Sometimes you just want to be dumb, and television is the perfect way to do it. Drunks use alcohol to forget about their problems, non-drinkers use television and excessive sleep.
I feel somewhat motivated to get a set because the excessive sleep can only get you so far as a problem avoidance device. You need something to fill as many waking hours as possible, too.
There’s always other hobbies that really depressed people take up like being a hipster (yes, it’s a full time hobby), cutting yourself, dying your hair black, SUV driving, and croquet. But the thing is - who wants to be active and depressed about life? Being active is really a self-defeating concept for the professional reality avoider. Laziness is really the way to go here, folks.
The problem with TV now is that even if I did get one, there’d be nothing to watch! The writer’s strike has taken everything off the air!
Now I can live without heroes - I can even live without curb your enthusiasm, but to take the Daily Show away from me is just plain cruel. The writers take away the daily show and then they want us to be on their side? I don’t know how I feel about that.
It’s been so long I can’t even remember the guy who hosts that show. Ted Stewart? Jim something? Is it Jim? He doesn’t seem like a “Jim.”
Even worse is that when the writer strike is in full force, the only shows to prosper are reality TV shows. Apparently there is now a show where girls (and maybe guys?) compete to become the next most popular model.
Imagine, a competition to see who gets to become the next self-obsessed wench of the universe - the object of hate for everyone but lonely 14 year old boys (and maybe girls?). The most popular model of today is the most hilariously pathetic drug addicted crotch parading bimbo of tomorrow! Now THERE is something to aspire to!
The one saving grace of the whole strike is that it has taken a whole slew of really bad shows off the air. The fact that I no longer hear people talking about these shows has actually raised my overall opinion of mankind over the last month or two.
Part of me says “yea, good take a break - you need it because you’ve been writing nothing but crap lately.” There’s another part of me too, but I don’t know what it wants.
I guess it wants the daily show. Do I want the daily show back at the cost of bringing back all these other horrible shows, though?
I’ve come up with a compromise.
Starting today, all writers are to report back to work. You will continue to be paid as before - BUT WAIT! Don’t worry, because you’ll have the opportunity to double your salary to two peanuts or even three.
All you have to do is write shows that are good enough to be approved by me. Here’s how the system works:
Let’s say there are ten shows out there. The writers go out and write the shows and produce them as normal. Every time I deem a show crap, everyone will be fired and the money left in that show will be dispersed among the writers of the other shows.
Since 9 out of 10 shows are super crappy, that means everyone producing the last show will get paid 10x as much right out of the gate. And even better, with no competition from all the crappy shows we got rid of, ratings will skyrocket!
We could probably also consolidate all the channels into about 4 stations: old people TV, children TV, young adult TV, and young adult TV for morons. Less channels = less writing, so the whole concept supports my plan.
We will also have a whole separate device for sports fans. Instead of using up the airwaves on sports, fans will get their fix with a new device called a “gun” which can deliver sport programming directly into your brain via something called a “bullet.” Just point and shoot! Trust me.
I invite you all to join me in a brave new world of television.
Posted by Sam at December 6th, 2007
I came across a book today that I think really could have some application for my readers.
As you have most likely deduced, this book is about huge ships and how to avoid them. Or, more specifically, how to avoid being run over by them.
The book is 112 pages full of great information on how to avoid huge ships. You’d think you could summarize it in one sentence: “Don’t get in front of a huge ship,” but it’s not quite that easy, apparently.
Every freaking time I leave my house there’s a huge ship in my way. It’s so annoying.
I set out to find out what other things people want to avoid by conducting a google search for “how to avoid.” Here are some of the results I saw.
and the list goes on…
Yes, the Internet is a virtual cornucopia of instructions on how to avoid things. I’ll leave you to conduct searches of your own, but first I’ve come up with some of my own tips so you can begin avoiding things RIGHT NOW.
That should get you started.
Posted by Sam at December 4th, 2007
Freecycle is a local group where you can post items that you want to give away free to others. This might be a couch, a desk, an old computer, some DVDs, whatever. It’s built off the idea that one person’s junk is another person’s treasure.
I’ve just moved into a new place, and so I’ve been perusing freecycle for a couch and a kitchen table the last few days. It’s amazing what some people post about and want to give away.
Here is a screengrab from a post I saw on there yesterday. Click for larger.
And here is the text from the posting:
Offer: tampons!
all sizes and kinds. I can’t use them anymore and they need to be given to someone who needs them. Email me.
jana
Wow.
There is just so much we can tell about this person from reading this.
Posted by Sam at December 4th, 2007
I have played Guitar Hero 3 on every console it is available for: XBox 360, Playstation, and the Wii. I have used several controllers on each system, both wired and unwired.
I have a complaint.
Whoever makes these controllers has a serious quality control problem. I challenge anyone to play the game on all three systems and tell me they are even close to the same. The Wii one is so bad that playing the game not only loses any value of fun it once had, but is probably among the more frustrating gaming experiences since the power glove. The controller simply does not work as it should. The strum bar is far too sensitive.
The problem: The problem seems to arise depending on how you use the strum bar. There are basically three ways I’ve seen people do it.
1. Push the strum bar down with your thumb. I’ve only ever seen noobs do it this way, as it doesn’t allow for very fast strumming.
2. Grab the strum bar between your thumb and pointer finger and move it back and forth, never letting go. Lots of people do it this way.
3. Strum it like an actual guitar. You put your fingers together like you’re holding a pick and hit the strum bar with your fingernails.
Depending on how you hit the strum bar, you may experience two strums for every strum you actually make. I personally strum as if it were an actual guitar. This means every time I hit a note, the game registers my note just fine, but as the strum bar bounces back, it registers another strum. Therefore, for every single note I hit and point I make, I lose one.
It’s a pretty awesome way to play.
Like I said, it’s worst on the Wii. The game is simply unplayable. Playstation is pretty crappy too, and the xbox 360 is where I’ve had the best luck.
“Sam, obviously you’re just crazy. I’ve never heard of this problem before!”
The fact is most people don’t strum like I do. Maybe it’s because I actually play guitar and it’s more comfortable that way, I don’t know. People who use their thumb or actually hold the strum bar usually don’t have this problem as much.
Also, most people aren’t that good. They play really easy songs.
So you have to be reasonably good and you have to strum as if you were actually strumming for this problem to show up.
“Maybe you just suck, dude.”
Believe me, I’ve considered it. But when I can play a song without missing a single note on the XBox, and then can’t HIT a single note without an error when playing that same song on a Wii, I tend to think the problem is not with me but with the box.
I’ve played all the guitar hero games on lots of different systems so I consider myself somewhat comfortable with the game. I’m no pro, but I’m no beginner either. Guitar Hero 3 just plain blows when it comes to controllers.
