Sometimes, when I'm bored and lonely, I will write to girls on myspace or lds linkup.  Which is weird to begin with, but I do it anyway, and I don't care what you say.  Thing is, I never know what to write to these girls.  They probably get a lot of "Hey you're hot, lets hang out," and I want to be original and whitty.  So here is an example of one email I wrote to some random girl. 

subject: gay farmer or jolly ranchers
Dear girl,
    Last night, on my way to meet with a mysterious person as part of a long tale of international mystery and intrigue, I bent over to pick something up.  When I stood, I found a knife had been thrown into the wall where my head just was. 
    I quickly jumped in my remote control benz and attempted to run down the knife thrower.  But he was too quick and jumped in his suped up ricer mobile golf cart.  We chased through the city.  At one point we went through an ally, where loading dock workers jumped out of the way as I crashed through their boxes of produce. 
    I followed the farrari golf cart into an abandoned ship yard and down a long row of shipping containers.  Suddenyl I came to a dead end and there was no golf cart to be found anywhere.  I got out to see if I could hear which way he drove away,
    I suddenly found myself surrounded by ninjas with laser guns.  As they crept ever closer, I took off my jacket and put on my white karate headband and black belt. 
    The first ninja lunged at me with his bo-staff in hand, which I quickly stole from him using my cat-like moves.  I spun around with the stick and took out all of the ninjas without even breaking a sweat.  As I turned to leave, I felt a tap on my shoulder.  It was Khan-Zing, my mortal enemy and purveyor of fine pewter figurines.  Withouth hesitation I popped the bo staff up off the ground where I dropped it into my hand and swung it at Khan-Zing's head.
    He was too fast, and dodged my swing.  His fist countered into my face with a knock out blow.  All faded to black.  Not unlike the metallica song.
    When I awoke, I found myself strapped to a cold steal table.  Above me was what appeared to be a laser of some sort, and it was pointing right at my head.  I heard a voice, but my head was restrained to the point I could not look around to see who it was.  But I didn't have to look, I would recognize that voice anywhere.  It was Kahn Zing.  He told me that I was to have my head 'esploded by the laser gun at the strike of midnight.  I noticed a small clock on the ceiling which read 11:57.  It was time for action.
    "Khan," I said, "I am looking for a figure skating figurine for my neice's birthday.  I thought pewter would be a fine medium, do you know where I could find something like this?"
    Khan Zing laughed.  "I am not going to fall for that!  You won't even be alive long enough to give her that gift!"
    "True," I responded, "but she collects pewter figurines - so maybe I could give you her number and you guys, could you know, hook it up, maybe make some trades or something."
    Khan paused.  I could hear some papers shifting and a desk drawer open and close.  He held in front of me a piece of paper  "That sounds nice," he said, "give me her number at once!"
    He let my hand free and I began writing on the paper.  When I finished, he turned it over and saw that I had written "sucker!" on the paper.  Before he knew it, the pen was coming through the paper, landing squarely in his neck.  A gruseome death of which I will spare you the details.
    Now slumped over me, I was able to use my free hand to reach Kahn-Zing's keys and free myself.  Now to find Misty.  Oh yea, Misty is the girl I was trying to save this whole time.  She was like kidnapped for randsom and is a queen or a business woman or just really cute or something.  I made my way out of the torture room and found myself in a large complex with ladders, pipes, and lots of unnecesary flamable gas tanks.  I grabbed a gun from the gun shelf which was conveniently next to me.
    I heard footsteps coming, so I quickly ducked behind a plant, but it was no use, as there actually was no plant, and I was just imaging it and covering my eyes.  They spotted me.  I shot the gun at a nearby gas tank which exploded in a fireball and threw the gaurds to the ground.  It wouldn't be long until more came. 
    I made my way down a long spiral stair case where I found Misty in the torture chamber waiting room, reading a newsweek.  I stopped and read some too, because George Bush was on the cover, and I really wanted to know what they had to say about George Bush.  I voted for him, so you know, I'm always ready to back him up when journalists start saying rude things. 
    After we read newsweek, I had to get a drink of water.  So I found a drinking fountain.  Then we were on our way.  We quickly found the exit and ran out of the building.  Gaurds were right behind us, but I turned around and shot the building, which exploded into another big fireball and killed everyone inside, except us - we jumped onto a door that was flying by and surfed on it to safety. 
We jumped in my Benz and drove into the sunset.  I put some sunglasses on.  The day was won.