It is now a little after 5am.  I am not waking up, oh no!  I am just about to lay my pretty little head down for some sleep.  Hopefully Dave will be over tomorrow to wake me at a decent hour to begin our Aqua Teen Marathon.  That's right, I "own" all four seasons.

    As I sit in my room (which, for some reason, smells like grahm crackers), I am reflecting on my day, or rather night - since that's when I tend to operate.  I would like to tell you of the extreme (Read: X-treme!) adventure I had today.  It will blow your mind, but I swear upon cherry slurpees that it is true.  The following story is actually not true, but I bet you'll keep reading anyway.

    I woke up around 8am, which is early for me, considering I don't have a job, school, a life, or any other reason to be anywhere at any specific time.  I decided that since most my days were filled with sitting, some standing, and then more sitting, and eventually laying down that today would be different.  Today I would have an adventure.

    So I saddled up Hermes, son of Zeus, who is my horse, and began riding into town.  I rarely made it to town because of my extreme laziness, so the day was already an extreme (X-treme!!!) adventure of sorts.  About halfway along the journey to town, I noticed up on the mountain a bright light, as if someone was using a mirror to reflect the sun into my eyes.

    Hermes, sun of Zeus, freaked out and starting doing that thing that horses do when they're freaked out.  It's like, jumping but only with their front two feet.  I think it's called bucking.  Yes, Hermes, Song of Zeus, began bucking and I fell off.  Hermes, Son of Zeus, ran away and I was now stranded. I hope someone finds him and turns him into glue, that prick.

    Having no desire to walk to town, or back home, I decided to check out the shinning object in the mountain.  So I began walking to the mountain, and soon realized it was a really long freaking distance away.  It was many leagues, at least or at least half a mile.  This was going to take longer than I thought.

    The sun was high in the sky, meaning it was about noon.  I had not yet made it to the shining object, yet it was there, all the time, still shining like the north star except without clouds.  But I was getting hungry, so I stopped for lunch. 

    There was no food around, as Hermes, Son of Zeus, was carrying it all and took it with him when he ran off to the glue factory (at least I hope that's where he went that prick!)  So as I sat thinking of what I would like to eat, I began to daydream I was at Ye Olde Tyme McDonalds.  I ordered a burger and sunk my teeth into it.

    I was rudly awakened by the several piercings which the cactus plant had just given my lips.  I snapped out of my daydream and realized that I had in fact ordered a cactus and not a hamburger and was now eating it.  Realizing that there are starving kids in Kentucky somewhere I decided to finish my cactus to show how grateful I was to actually have food.

    I then stopped and dropped 35 cents in the mail (less than the price of a cup of coffee) addressed to Susan Sommers, so she could help those poor, starving Kentuckyan kids.  WOAGKJFEHQ!!! HUGE SPIDER!!! .......okay I got it, the sotry may continue.  Gross.

    I finished off lunch with a drink of my own urine.  I didn't have to drink it because there was a fesh spring not 50 feet away, but it's sterile and I like the taste.  Then I thought about playing dogeball.  Then I started walking again.

    It wasn't long before I came upon a pack of wolves.  They were out hunting apparently, because they all looked really hungry.  I don't know what a hungry wolf actually looks like, or if there is any difference in looks between hungry and non-hungry wolves, but for the purposes of keeping some suspense going, lets just agree that they looked hungry, and they were now looking at me as if I was a big piece of steak.

    I remembered that part in God's Must be Crazy: 2 when the kids scared of the hyena by putting a piece of wood on top of their heads to make them look taller.  I found a piece of wood and tried it.  I didn't work at all, and the wolves all just looked confused (bare with me on the wolf looks thing, okay?)  It was a dumb idea as wolves are from the genus Hyaena and Dogs are from the genus Canis, and so would not likely have similar responses to predatory stimuli.

    As the wolves got closer, I had another great idea.  What if I turned my bed 90 degrees to the south and moved it to the other end of my room?  It would increase my floor space by at least 30% and give me room to put a couch and coffee table in there.  As I felt the wolf's teeth sink into my neck I realized it was a bad idea, a very bad idea.  It would block access to the door.

    Fortunately for me, I had been wearing my neck armor that day, and the wolf's teeth barely even broke skin.  Also, I was wearing my razor sharp spiked sweater, so the wolf that attacked me was now cut to shreads and lying on the ground next to me.  Awesome, I thought, as the wolf leader stepped forward.

    I could tell he was the leader because he was the biggest, and had on one of those big hats that indian chiefs wear.  He spoke; "Sam, I am El Guapo San Juanchez, I am from Mexico and have brought with me a large shipment of Gold.  You have proven yourself worthy to have the gold.  I have no use for it, since I am a wolf.  I have hidden it in a cave 50 yards to the west.  There is also a truck there, which I don't need because I'm a wolf.  You can take the truck and the gold.  It's a pretty nice Dodge Ram that shoots black smoke out the back when you accelerate.  It's all the rage now with the kids."  He then left.

    I thought, holy crap, a talking Wolf.  I should have captured him and sold him to science, I could have been rich.  I continued on.

    I was getting closer to the shiny object on the mountain.  However, my run in with the wolves had left me tired.  I laid down and took a nap.  It dawned on me that a razor sharp spike sweater was not such a good idea, especially since it was hot out, so I took it off and used it as a pillow, which ultimately turned out to be a bad idea as well.

    I slept for about 10 minutes (I could tell by the position of the sun, and also my watch) when I bird landed on my forhead.  He had in his mouth a fig leaf.  I thought, that's weird, since Figs are not indigenous to this country.  He then flew away.  It was a sign, but I'm not sure what it meant.  The wolf's words echoed in my head "It's all the rage these days."  I'm still not sure what it meant, but that's what happened.

    I realized I was prety close to that shiny thing so I begun walking again.  As I drew closer I lost sight of it.  Then I realized my eyes were closed for some reason so I opened them again.  As I saw what it was I could not believe my eyes.

    Turns out it was just some stupid kid playing with a mirror and trying to piss me off.  Well, it did piss me off.  So much so that I kidnapped the kid.  I knew a guy who knew a guy's cousin who had invented a device that turned small children into gold.

    Without much trouble, I made may way back to the road and hitchiked into town.  I found the guy I know's friend's cousin who put the kid in his kid to gold machine.  After a few minutes I had my very own solid gold kid.  This was a seriously cool invention, I bet there will be one in every home someday.

    As I walked out of the slid gold kid parlour, I was greeted by my horse, Hermes, son of Zeus.  He had not been turned into glue after all, and had been secretly following me the whole time to make sure I was safe.  I strapped my golden child onto his back and lead him off into the sunset.