I think I will start a new fake identity. I will borrow someone else's child and say that it is mine, that I grew it in a test tube in my basement. I will get him a social security number and hire actors to get him a driver's license, a credit card, etc.

When my fictitious person turns 30, I will assume his identity and tell people I have a disorder where I age more quickly. If I start now, I will be 57 when I turn 30.

Some people might say "Hey, you don't have a basement."

My sister in law recently posted her daily schedule for all to see. I thought people might like to see my schedule too, so here it is.

11:00am - Wake up to the annoying sound of several alarms going off, go back to sleep (or sometimes just sleep through them).

1:00pm - Wake up enough to check my phone logs to see if I've had any conversations with people during the morning that I don't remember anymore. Fall back asleep.

1:10pm - Steve calls and wakes me back up to see if I want to go to lunch - acts surprised that I'm still in bed.

1:11pm - Check my credit card statement to make sure I didn't "sleep buy" any new domain names. I've ended up with some doozies this way.

1:13pm - Spend some time with the Captain (Crunch, that is - although Morgan seems more and more appealing).

1:15 - Lunch - Steve.

1:45pm - Get back in bed and read blogs/news or just "zone out" for a couple hours.

4:00pm - Get out of bed and take a shower (or not).

4:30pm - Leave the house (or not) or try to find something to do (or not).

7:00pm-12:00pm - Hang out with people or watch TV shows.

12:00pm - Back in bed for several more hours of blog reading, TV show watching, and web browsing.

3:00am - Crave rolled tacos from Beto's and go get some (probably).

4:00am - Fall back asleep.

Does this reflect poorly on me?

If you didn't know already, today is national (or international?) talk like a pirate day. I don't usually care because I had a bad experience one year and let's just leave it at that.

But I was happy to see that Google added support for another language: pirate.

There's a screenshot to prove I'm not lying and here's a link so you can see for yourself. I don't know if it will be there beyond September 19th, though.

My favorite part. The word "logout" has been replaced with "Catch th' outgoing tide."

Following up from my article about The True Price of Text Messages, Senator Herb Kohl (D-WI) has initiated an inquiry into the constantly rising prices of text messages. He is asking that carriers justify why they all doubled text messaging costs right around the same time.

The similar price increases, coming at similar times, Kohl said, "is hardly consistent with the vigorous price competition we hope to see in a competitive marketplace."

Kohl is asking carriers to provide information on how their pricing structures are competitive, the factors that lead to the decision to DOUBLE the price of text messages, comparisons of text message pricing and wireless pricing, and data on the utilization of text messaging over the past three years.

It seems like a pretty open and shut case of price fixing and anti-competitve behavior from the big four carriers, but who knows - maybe it's harder to transmit over warmer air and global warming is causing the carriers to have to push harder to get text messages to your phone. Of course, this wouldn't explain why text messages are priced like the commodity they are everywhere else in the world. Whatever the cause, we'll find out on October 6th - the deadline set by Kohl for a response.

If this ultimately leads to a drop in SMS fees, I'll expect a big thanks from everyone in America for getting the ball rolling with my original article. In fact, I'm waiting for a call from the good Senator right now.

Update: Read the open letter from Senator Kohl here.

It's 4am and it's time to talk issues. It's important to know that when the White House phone rings at 3am, I won't have to wake up to answer it - I will already be awake. I'll be up for you, America, thinking about ... the issues.

Since I have announced my candidacy for president, many of you have voiced your support through emails, unsolicited telephone calls, and generous paypal donations, and I thank you. I feel that I owe it to you, my supporters to finally announce my platform.

So here are some key issues that I will be running on during my bid at President:

Abortion:

Abortion is a tough, emotional issue. Fortunately, my stance on the issue is unique. I plan to legalize abortions up to the 80th trimester. This will mean that any "dud" can be thrown back at any time up to twenty years. Did you discover any defects or rare neurological disorders in your offspring? Were they not apparent until too late? No worries, as long as you abort your child sometime before his 20th birthday you're okay.

Motto: It's never too late.

Innovation:

Innovation is something I feel very strongly about. I want America to regain its place as the world leader in innovation and I want to start with something near and dear to my heart: candy bars. Next time you go to the store, take a look at the candy bar selection. These are the same candy bars you grew up with! We have not innovated any new varieties in decades!

Sure, there are some candy bars that might say they're new, but they're all just variations on old candy bars. Just because you made a kit kat 4 times bigger and only put one in a package or put some mint flavoring in you "nouget" (I'm looking at you, 3 Musketeers) doesn't mean it's new. Did we really reach the pinnacle of tasty candy bars 30 years ago?

Motto: We didn't reach the pinnacle of tasty candy bars 30 years ago!

Lobbies:

Washington is currently run by the lobbies. Whoever can wine and dine the most elected officials and make enough "donations" to their campaigns makes the rules. I'm not going to change this practice (you should see the swag you get from drug companies). Instead, I'm going to add transparency to the system.

That's right, when I make my state of the union speeches, I will look like a fully sponsored Nascar driver.

Motto: E Pluribus Exxon!

Foreign Policy:

You may be concerned that I have no foreign policy experience, but I assure you this is not the case. I once lived next door to a japanese guy in college.

Motto: Toire wa doko desu ka!?

Do yourself and your country a favor. Come November, vote for Sam!