Posted by Sam at December 19th, 2006

Ah yes, it’s that time of year again. The holidays are upon us and in full swing. The one time of year that everyone looks forward to most.

Wait, I don’t know anyone who looks forward to Christmas. If I do know anybody with such a disposition, they have not made it clear to me. Who invented Christmas anyway? Jesus wasn’t even born in December, so we do Him a constant dis-service every single year by forgetting his birthday, then celebrating it 8 months late.

Imagine a friend of yours coming up to you and saying; “Hey buddy, sorry I forgot about your birthday in January, but it’s October now and we are finally going to throw you a party!” Not only are you “over it” by now, but they add insult to injury by not even giving YOU any presents. They only give each other presents to celebrate your birthday.

Presents. I say presents are for children. Adults know what they want and they usually go out and buy it. I wish the gift I could give every year was to tell everyone they don’t have to buy me a gift, and in return I won’t buy them one either. See there? In exchange for my $20, instead of buying you something you might kinda want but probably really don’t, you can spend your own $20 on something you really want. It seems win/win to me.

Once you hit 18, your on your own. You’re an adult, you can fight in a war, you can move out, and you can vote. Certainly you can make up your mind better than anyone else about what you should give yourself for Christmas.

And the timing!

Who came up with December? December is when you have to square off all your debts from the past year! Everyone comes knocking on your door asking you to settle up. So not only do you have to pay out the rear to settle your debts, but you have to buy a bunch of stuff for people that they don’t even want - and don’t dare buying cheap gifts! You can buy crappy gifts, but please, no cheap gifts.

Okay, okay - Christmas isn’t all bad. Normally I would enjoy the opportunity to take some time off work, travel home for time with the family and friends. But then there’s Thanksgiving. We just got together last month - why get together again? It hasn’t even been a full month and I have to pony up for travel expenses, take time off work, and this time buy crap for everyone.

So you’re saying I’m a scrooge, and maybe I am. But presents at Christmas are overkill every time. Pick a name out of a hat - that’s a good solution! Buy one really kick ass gift for someone rather than 10 marginal to crappy gifts that will be forgotten by the next month. There’s no need to give gifts to show your love - people you love should know already.

The timing of two holidays make sense. Easter and thanksgiving. Easter is, well, lined up with Jesus’ really real birthday somewhat but is also some pagan holiday having to do with fertility. Okay - spring, Jesus, fertility - got it. Thanksgiving is the end of the harvest - when there’s lots of food. Lots of food, feast, got it.

Christmas on the other hand, is … well, nothing really. It’s cold and miserable, a bad time to travel, not timed well financially, and doesn’t even correlate to anything worth commemorating that I’m aware of. The obvious choice would be to move it to April, and consolidate Easter and Christmas. The easter bunny becomes Santa’s helper and replaces the elves (where did they come from anyway?).

This brings a problem with tax season, though, which would have to be moved. We also still have thanksgiving hanging out there in November. So either taxes or Jesus’ birthday have to move. Since even Jesus had to pay taxes, and He’s not used to getting the party on the right day anyway, I say we move Eastermas later and Thanksgiving earlier. Sometime when it’s still warm out, and sometime before school starts.

July. There’s a good month. Traveling is a pleasure - it’s a great time to take off of work, you can consolidate and take some extra time off to go to the beach. It’s not a huge pain to drive around and buy presents for people. Easter egg hunt in the morning, a reasonable number of presents in the afternoon, and a feast in the evening. One day and you can go off and do whatever it is that you would rather be doing. Far enough away from taxes and the end of the year debt collectors.

Call me a scrooge if you want, but I bet a lot more people agree with me then they let on. I hear a lot more complaining about the holidays then hopeful anticipation. Also, remember that Scrooge had a monocle and a tower full of money that he swam in - so the guy couldn’t be all wrong.