Posted by Sam at November 8th, 2006

Eatsam

I think we can all agree that it’s not good to eat people. For starters, some of them are cute (the littler ones) and we directly relate to them (the non-female ones). Females are about as far away from human as possible without becoming food. Everything after females and on is fair game. Really; bears, deer, frogs, three toed sloths, ant-eaters, you can eat them all.
Recently a friend posed to me the question; “If you had a chance to try human, and there were no moral or legal consequences, would you do it?” In other words, if we lived in a world where it was completely acceptable to eat people (say … New york circa 2022), would you partake? Would you?

I, for one, would not. Mostly for the above stated reasons, and also because there’s nothing people can give me that some other animal can’t (at least as far as being a source of food is concerned). In my imaginary post-apocalyptic world where my friend is eating people all day long, I would rather be enslaving people and making them bring me food. A person can bring me a lot more food than I would get from killing them and eating them. Also, if you kill people and eat them, who will you have delightful dinner conversation with?

I must admit that if I was eaten, I would probably taste pretty good. Having eaten very little besides jr. bacon cheeseburgers, candy, and spicy indian food I can say I would probably be a perfect blend of sweetness and juicy scrumptrulesensce. My question is where would the steaks be? If I was to start a business on human meat, what are the good cuts? What goes to the dogs? What parts do you buy as a joke to sneak into an otherwise tasty dish you are serving your friend? “Hey dude, guess what you just ate!?”

Well, we don’t live in any such world. People who eat other people are weird and crazy. This includes my friend who asked me the question (name withheld to protect the innocent weird). He said that he would give people a try. I didn’t want to go into detail about if he just wanted to take a bite or if he wanted, like a full course meal or something.

Since nobody I know eats people in reality, it leaves the question - what do we taste like? We’ve already established that I would taste like cheeseburgers and starbursts, but what about your average human? Fortunately Japanese scientist have invented everything, including a robot that can “taste” things and identify them, describe their flavor, and suggest complimentary foods. (When I looked at the page, there was a big ad for steak next to the article - need I say more?)

When a reporter put his hand down in front of the robot, it was identified as bacon. The robot didn’t even say “this thing tastes like bacon” it said “this thing IS bacon.” Okay, so there you have it - humans taste the same as pigs (makes sense, doesn’t it?). We have conclusive evidence from our expert robotic taste-tester and we know from experience that robots never make mistakes.

So how about it? Given the chance - no consequences moral or otherwise - would you eat people? Leave your opinions in the comments. (Bonus points for who can get the New York 2022 reference).