A GThing Science Project

In third grade, when we would go around the room and announce to our class mates our future employment plans, I would always proudly say that I wanted to be a bum. This is mostly because there were these commercials on TV back then about going to school or working hard or something that always ended with "...because nobody says they want to be a bum when they grow up." I single-handedly proved them wrong - I wanted to be a bum.

Recently, as I resigned from my employment at Sewell Direct, my dream of a life of leisure came true. Now that I'm unemployed funemployed, I have some big plans on how I will spend my time. Everyone keeps asking me what I'm up to, so here are a few things I've been keeping myself busy with:

• Laying on the beach. True, Utah is not commonly referred to as a coastal state, but I think what I was thinking of when I said "laying" I was talking about sleeping. Oh, and that part about the beach, that means "in my bed."
• Starting a for-proft local wrestling league. I had no idea how many local wrestlers there were just itching for a challenge. We specialize in greco-roman as well as traditional wrestling styles, and anyone is welcome. Please visit hotmale.com for more info.
• Finally saving the whales.
• Throw big parties during the middle of the day, then call all my friends with jobs and tell them I'm sorry they couldn't make it, but it was awesome.
• Standing in the unemployment line
• Looking in people's windows
• Writing a weight loss book. It's called "Slimming down with Sam!" and there's this great picture of me on the front dressed like Richard SImons. My program is called the "parasite diet."
• Import/Export (exporting things from other people's homes late at night and importing them into the pawn shop the next day).
• Hanging out at bookstores (Libraries are full of really boring people)
• Walking around BYU or UVSC campus with a backpack and looking like I am urgently trying to get to a class somewhere. This is pretty good exercise and people think you're a productive citizen as opposed to a unemployment-hording dreg like you really are.
• Writing letters to the editor on all sorts of awesome subjects. "That light pole on 3rd south looks crooked"; "Those motorbike kids and their tomfoolery"; "Dear Provo, Lay Off the Azalea Bushes!"; and "Let's make an honor code for Provo citizens!"
• I also write a weekly column for the daily unifarse about how to make it as a homeless person. I cover topics like best tasting garbage cans, how to beg properly, and how to knit together newspapers to make a blanket.
• Taking out awesome craigslist ads; "M4F - Handsome billionaire seeks woman to spend money"; "Missed Connections: Old lady at Smiths on Friday, you're super hot! Is you husband dead yet?"; "For sale: half eaten bag of Dorritos."

You get the picture...