Here are some handy steps to help you install Windows Vista, based on pervious experience.

1. Insert Install DVD

You will need to have a DVD drive or the copy of Windows Vista that comes on 2,000 floppy disks. We assume you have already chosen the right version for you.

2. Follow the prompts

Starting out it will be easy. Click on things that say "yes" or "install."

3. Choose "Upgrade"

You will be given the choice to upgrade your previous Windows XP install or start from scratch. That's a nice feature! Choose upgrade.

4. Delete incompatible programs

Vista will check for any programs that are known not to work. It will give you a list of programs to uninstall and then try again. At this point the installation will fail.

5. Wait, what programs?

The programs it wants you to delete don't exist. They're not on your computer. Stop trying to look for them.

6. Curse Bill Gates

Pray to the dark lord of the underworld to bring fire, famine, and locusts upon Bill Gates. Depending on your religion, this may require an incantation of some sort or a special dance. Please do this many, many times. Sacrifice someone to appease your god requires appeasement to answer your request.

6. Give up on upgrading

Since you cannot continue without uninstalling those programs, and since those programs don't exist, just give up. Resign to your fate of a clean install. Its probably better in the long run anyway. You might also try buying the software it wants you to uninstall, install it, and then uninstall it.

7. Go online to get updates

Vista installation will tell you that without updates, the installation will fail.

8. Eh, forget updates

Wait a sec, I'm installing Vista because Windows XP broke and won't go online anymore. No amount of finagling will fix it. It is, for lack of a better term, FUBAR'd.

9. Begin the install

Okay, we've given up on the upgrade, and we're going to proceed without updates, against Microsoft's recommendation but its really the only option we have. Go ahead and start installing.

10. Cross your fingers

Although there is no scientific proof that crossing your fingers will help, it certainly won't hurt (unless you try to type in your product key with your fingers still crossed).

11. Install drivers

ZOMG - we still have to do this?! Okay, you're using a SATA RAID array ... you'll need to go hunt down the drivers. Use a different computer - preferably a Mac or Linux box that is still functional.

12. Curse Bill Gates

Pray to whatever god you know that he may rein down judgement upon Redmond, Washington. Pray that it is swept away by flood, buried in quicksand, or that a mountain will fall over on top of it. If no god is available, one will be assigned to you.

13. Find drivers

Hmm... The manufacturer's website is down. You'll need to find the drivers with some advanced google searching. Once you get to the drivers page that may or may not be for the hardware you actually have, choose one of the 10 or so different driver files. It doesn't matter which one you pick, this probably won't work anyway.

14. Put the drivers on external media

XP made (yes, made) you use a floppy disk to load external drivers. No longer do we need to go buy a floppy drive and disks and another computer that already has Windows to install Windows. Use a CD, USB drive, or (uggghhh....) floppy disk. Remember, use another computer (Linux, Mac, or Commodore 64) to download and transfer the drivers. A Windows machine won't work. It will break. Nobody knows why.

15. Load the drivers into the Vista installation

Good luck.

16. Call an ambulance

For the aneurism.

17. Wait a really long time

Congratulations, you're now off and away installing Windows Vista. You only had to give up a few of your morals and pray to two heathen deities so far. You have now graduated to "step 2" of the Vista installation process: "Installing Windows."

18. Take a break

While you are waiting for Vista to install, you may want to take a relaxing break from your hard day's work. Consider making some lemonade or reading The Great Gatsby.

19. Repeat

Windows will repeat the same thing several times but call it something else. First it will "copy windows" then it will "expand windows" then it will "install features" then it will "install updates" then it will "complete installation." I think this is to lead you to believe all sorts of complicated things are happening in the background when they only thing that is really happening is Windows rendering the next error message.

In true Windows fashion, the installation will restart your computer 30 times.

20. Contemplate suicide

Most ways that might seem pleasant usually are not. Be sure to do you research. Use a Mac or Linux box for this.

21. Check FIle System

At some point the Vista Installation will want to check your hard drive for all the errors is has caused. Go ahead and let it go.

22. ZOMG IT WORKED!

If you did the proper incantations, and if the planets are aligned, it will have worked! You will now see Windows Vista for the first time!

23. Nevermind, it's still installing

Sigh...

24. Choose your settings

If you get far enough, Vista will ask you for some settings. Just remember that your computer name cannot contain only numbers, only letters or letters and numbers or symbols that are equal to "q98*(H)" and also it must be shorter than 10 characters and longer then 12.

25. Watch some marketing

Once the installation is complete, it will keep going for a while. Installing Windows Vista is like watching Lord of the rings, there's like 85 endings before it's actually over. You will see some info from Microsoft's marketing department about how awesome Vista is and how exciting the features are. This is to amplify the let down you will surely be feeling shortly. Also, the completion bar will move from 0%-100% about 30 times.

26. Face the final boss

If you've gotten this far, it is now time to face the final boss, the login screen. You should see your login icon and username (hopefully you chose the robot because its awesome). Type in your password and hit enter. You will see a message saying "logging off..." and the computer will reboot. Microsoft does it this way because it makes sense.

27. Face the final boss again

After the reboot you'll get the login screen again. It's like you have an extra life! This time it might work.

28. Congratulations, you're done!

If you're one of the lucky few, you will now see a desktop! You can now proceed to my 87 step tutorial on opening a program! See you then!

Notes:

Installing Windows Vista will make you have a bad day. Start on a day that is already bad.

Whatever problem you were having with Windows XP will still be a problem in Vista, making the last 8 hours of your life a waste.

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