Dear Denver Mattress Company -

I am writing to offer my services as lead tester of your matresses.  I have 24 years experience in sleeping.  At 8 hours a night, that adds up to over 70,000 hours of experience with a mattress (give or take to account for sleeping in, camping, and a couple all nighters I have pulled recently).

As you can see by the time I am writing this (3:30am), I am the perfect person to test your mattresses.  You could basically give me your latest prototype (we can do this at my place or yours), and if I fall asleep on it, it would get the stamp of approval.  Of course, I would not actually stamp the mattress itself, but maybe some paperwork that came with it or something.  You would provide the stamp and ink pad.

I wouldn't even mind if some scientists or something studied me while I slept.  They could hook me up to electrodes and take notes when I toss and turn, and find the pressure points and stuff.  I could provide valuable feedback to them in the morning, when you guys would always have some donuts and waffles to end my hard nights work.  I don't drink coffee, but Orange Juice is okay.  Can we trade the coffee for orange juice?

I think this would be the ideal situation for me really.  I could work 8 hours a night, sleeping for you guys, and then have the rest of the day to work another job or go to school.  I would effectively double my salary.  In fact, if you let me work overtime (I can do sleeping-in tests too) and let me work every day, I will save on living expenses too.  I can just rent a storage locker or something to hold all my posessions.

I don't know how extensively you test your mattresses there, but I am only available to do sleep tests.  I do not work well in partnerships or groups doing other sorts of tests on mattresses.  

By having a lead tester, like myself, you would be able to advertise that these mattresses have been tested and approved by someone with over 70,000 hours of experience in the field.  In the commercial, I could have on a lab coat and be holding a clip board.  Also, I think it would be good if I had some thick rimmed glasses, as those tend to make people look smarter.  I would not be able to wear the glasses while sleeping though, or I will wake up with a sore nose.

As part of my job, I think it would also be cool if doctors checked me out regularly.  They could do before and after x-rays of my bones and stuff and then show people how much better all my bones are because I slept on your mattresses.  I am looking at this as a career too, so we would need to work out some kind of long term testing.  But since you are continualy developing new and better mattresses, I'm sure this will not be a problem

I look forward to hearing from you soon in regards to this matter(ess).  Please let me know ASAP, and I can fax you a resume.

-Sam Garfield
samgarfield@gmail.com