Posted by Sam at March 6th, 2007

Is your son a computer hacker? Is he hacking into government databases and launching missiles at “zee germans?” Maybe he has started a child porn ring and is masterminding an international conspiracy to overthrow the US government.

Naturally, I was afraid that if I ever have a son, he might turn into a hacker. I wanted to arm myself with some good information to help prevent this from happening. Even though having my own progeny is by many estimations several decades away, you never can be too prepared.

I turned to the Internet for some advice on making sure my future son doesn’t become a computer hacker. Luckily, I stumbled upon this article from adequacy.org, a news site aimed at news for grown-ups like me who could never hope to have a full understanding of all the internets. In an article by the same name as this one, they pointed out some things to watch out for. Here are the highlights.

This is not a joke. If I could make that text red and flashing, I would.

Most American families use trusted and responsible Internet Service Providers, such as AOL. These providers have a strict “No Hacking” policy,

Popular hacker software includes “Comet Cursor”, “Bonzi Buddy” and “Flash”.

If your son has requested a new “processor” from a company called “AMD”, this is genuine cause for alarm. AMD is a third-world based company who make inferior, “knock-off” copies of American processor chips. They use child labor extensively in their third world sweatshops, and they deliberately disable the security features that American processor makers, such as Intel, use to prevent hacking. AMD chips are never sold in stores, and you will most likely be told that you have to order them from internet sites. Do not buy this chip!

Quake is an online virtual reality used by hackers. It is a popular meeting place and training ground, where they discuss hacking and train in the use of various firearms. Many hackers develop anti-social tendencies due to the use of this virtual world, and it may cause erratic behaviour at home and at school.

BSD, Lunix, Debian and Mandrake are all versions of an illegal hacker operation system, invented by a Soviet computer hacker named Linyos Torovoltos, before the Russians lost the Cold War.

…They may also be used to break into people’s stereos to steal their music, using the “mp3″ program. Torovoltos is a notorious hacker, responsible for writing many hacker programs, such as “telnet”, which is used by hackers to connect to machines on the internet without using a telephone.

Hackers tend to dress in bright, day-glo colors. They may wear baggy pants, bright colored shirts and spiky hair dyed in bright colors to match their clothes. They may take to carrying “glow-sticks” and some wear pacifiers around their necks. (I have no idea why they do this)

Phew. I know I feel safer about my future children after reading through this.