It's 4am and it's time to talk issues. It's important to know that when the White House phone rings at 3am, I won't have to wake up to answer it - I will already be awake. I'll be up for you, America, thinking about ... the issues.

Since I have announced my candidacy for president, many of you have voiced your support through emails, unsolicited telephone calls, and generous paypal donations, and I thank you. I feel that I owe it to you, my supporters to finally announce my platform.

So here are some key issues that I will be running on during my bid at President:

Abortion:

Abortion is a tough, emotional issue. Fortunately, my stance on the issue is unique. I plan to legalize abortions up to the 80th trimester. This will mean that any "dud" can be thrown back at any time up to twenty years. Did you discover any defects or rare neurological disorders in your offspring? Were they not apparent until too late? No worries, as long as you abort your child sometime before his 20th birthday you're okay.

Motto: It's never too late.

Innovation:

Innovation is something I feel very strongly about. I want America to regain its place as the world leader in innovation and I want to start with something near and dear to my heart: candy bars. Next time you go to the store, take a look at the candy bar selection. These are the same candy bars you grew up with! We have not innovated any new varieties in decades!

Sure, there are some candy bars that might say they're new, but they're all just variations on old candy bars. Just because you made a kit kat 4 times bigger and only put one in a package or put some mint flavoring in you "nouget" (I'm looking at you, 3 Musketeers) doesn't mean it's new. Did we really reach the pinnacle of tasty candy bars 30 years ago?

Motto: We didn't reach the pinnacle of tasty candy bars 30 years ago!

Lobbies:

Washington is currently run by the lobbies. Whoever can wine and dine the most elected officials and make enough "donations" to their campaigns makes the rules. I'm not going to change this practice (you should see the swag you get from drug companies). Instead, I'm going to add transparency to the system.

That's right, when I make my state of the union speeches, I will look like a fully sponsored Nascar driver.

Motto: E Pluribus Exxon!

Foreign Policy:

You may be concerned that I have no foreign policy experience, but I assure you this is not the case. I once lived next door to a japanese guy in college.

Motto: Toire wa doko desu ka!?

Do yourself and your country a favor. Come November, vote for Sam!