I hereby declare war on horrible pizza topping choices. Pizza ideology is slowly changing such that people are slapping together anything willy nilly and as long as it is on a round, flatt base they call it "pizza."

Look at Domino's latest entry:

They call it the "Oreo Pizza."

Perhaps it would be helpful to define Pizza before we continue. If you click on that little link there, you'll see definitions from around the web. Most mention a bread crust and tomato sauce type combination.

This Oreo "Pizza" is a downright travesty. First of all, the crust is not made of a bread-like substance - it is made of a cardboard-like substance. I know people say "oh that tastes like cardboard" about a lot of things, but the Oreo "Pizza's" crust literally has the consistency and taste of cardboard. And when I say literally, I am using its classic definition not how some people misuse it nowadays: "That's sooo cool! My eyes are litterally popping out of my head!"

Yes, the crust literally is a close cousin of cardboard.

Just examining the crust gives us cause to throw out any argument that this concoction even remotely resembles pizza - but just for fun let's consider that other things that are involved in Pizza. Tomato Sauce: thing thing has none - not even a sugary-replacement unless you count the frosting. But the frosting is on top of the Oreo's, so if that's true than this "Pizza" is even more messed up. Who puts the sauce on the top of a Pizza?
Hey Dominos, look at this:

That's called a pie. An Oreo Pie. What you're making is exactly the same as this Oreo pie except that it's flat and has worse crust. Why not call it a "flat pie?" Calling it a flat pie is hardly stretching the definition of pie, while calling it a pizza is simply baffling. Who sees that thing you made and says "Hey, pizza!" Nobody. Nobody says that.

Now I know this is going to make some people angry, but another thing you don't see in those many definitions of Pizza is Pineapple.

Pineapple does not belong on a Pizza. Period, end of story.

Pineapple is a fruit. It belongs where fruity things go: in drinks, as a side dish perhaps, pretty much anywhere but on top of a Pizza. Just like you can't have Oreos count as a valid topping, you can't have Pineapple count as a topping.

What's next? Fruit salad pizza with Ranch Dressing (p.s. Ranch isn't a valid dipping sauce for Pizza either, but I'll fight that battle later)? Maybe watermelon peach cobbler pizza?

The flavor of Pineapple doesn't go with any part of a Pizza. Would you eat bread+Pineapple? A Pineapple sandwich? No. Tomato sauce with Pineapple? No. Pineapple with cheese melted onto it? No. Yet for some reason people think it's a good idea when it's all put together. It literally boggles the mind! (Owww! My mind is being boggled!)

Another reason Pineapple makes a bad Pizza topping is because it cannot easily be removed. Oh, don't like olives? Simply pick them off. Same with sausage, green onions, whatever. But Pineapple leaves behind all of its juices so if you want to pick it off you're just left with Pineapple juice pizza, which is pretty much worse than the Pineapple pizza was to start with.

Este Pizza (RIP: 2005 - 2007) in Salt Lake City knows how to make a delicious Pizza. And guess what - they don't put pineapple on it. In fact, if you want pineapple on your pizza it costs $99 plus a $50 corking fee. That's what I'm talking about! Make those pineapple loving hippies pay!

By the way - before you say it - No, Este Pizza didn't go out of business because the refused to serve Pineapple. They had a devastating fire so shut up.

Dear World: Please don't mess with something that is already perfect. You can do your own thing within the constraints of the definition of Pizza (make thick crust, put tons of cheese on it, stuffed crust, etc.), but please don't put taco ingredients on a piece of round bread and call it "Taco Pizza." Don't insult us.

I welcome you, the world, to create new an exciting dishes - even ones based on the idea of pizza. But if they're not pizza, don't call them pizza.