I just moved into a new place and have yet to procure a television. Even though I am somewhat anti-television (to an extent), it is weird how you don't feel fully settled until you have a boob tube to come home to.

Sometimes you just want to be dumb, and television is the perfect way to do it. Drunks use alcohol to forget about their problems, non-drinkers use television and excessive sleep.

I feel somewhat motivated to get a set because the excessive sleep can only get you so far as a problem avoidance device. You need something to fill as many waking hours as possible, too.

There's always other hobbies that really depressed people take up like being a hipster (yes, it's a full time hobby), cutting yourself, dying your hair black, SUV driving, and croquet. But the thing is - who wants to be active and depressed about life? Being active is really a self-defeating concept for the professional reality avoider. Laziness is really the way to go here, folks.

The problem with TV now is that even if I did get one, there'd be nothing to watch! The writer's strike has taken everything off the air!

Now I can live without heroes - I can even live without curb your enthusiasm, but to take the Daily Show away from me is just plain cruel. The writers take away the daily show and then they want us to be on their side? I don't know how I feel about that.

It's been so long I can't even remember the guy who hosts that show. Ted Stewart? Jim something? Is it Jim? He doesn't seem like a "Jim."

Even worse is that when the writer strike is in full force, the only shows to prosper are reality TV shows. Apparently there is now a show where girls (and maybe guys?) compete to become the next most popular model.

Imagine, a competition to see who gets to become the next self-obsessed wench of the universe - the object of hate for everyone but lonely 14 year old boys (and maybe girls?). The most popular model of today is the most hilariously pathetic drug addicted crotch parading bimbo of tomorrow! Now THERE is something to aspire to!

The one saving grace of the whole strike is that it has taken a whole slew of really bad shows off the air. The fact that I no longer hear people talking about these shows has actually raised my overall opinion of mankind over the last month or two.

Part of me says "yea, good take a break - you need it because you've been writing nothing but crap lately." There's another part of me too, but I don't know what it wants.

I guess it wants the daily show. Do I want the daily show back at the cost of bringing back all these other horrible shows, though?

I've come up with a compromise.

Starting today, all writers are to report back to work. You will continue to be paid as before - BUT WAIT! Don't worry, because you'll have the opportunity to double your salary to two peanuts or even three.

All you have to do is write shows that are good enough to be approved by me. Here's how the system works:

Let's say there are ten shows out there. The writers go out and write the shows and produce them as normal. Every time I deem a show crap, everyone will be fired and the money left in that show will be dispersed among the writers of the other shows.

Since 9 out of 10 shows are super crappy, that means everyone producing the last show will get paid 10x as much right out of the gate. And even better, with no competition from all the crappy shows we got rid of, ratings will skyrocket!

We could probably also consolidate all the channels into about 4 stations: old people TV, children TV, young adult TV, and young adult TV for morons. Less channels = less writing, so the whole concept supports my plan.

We will also have a whole separate device for sports fans. Instead of using up the airwaves on sports, fans will get their fix with a new device called a "gun" which can deliver sport programming directly into your brain via something called a "bullet." Just point and shoot! Trust me.

I invite you all to join me in a brave new world of television.