There are a lot of things out there that bring a lot of joy to a lot of people but I just "don't get." Let me also state that when I say "don't get" I really mean it. These things are lost on me, I lack understanding, my brain can not contemplate the value of these things.

One of those things is dancing.

If I didn't know any better, I would think dancing was an invention of our generation. It seems like such an activity would fit right in with other stupid things such as MTV, reality television, and other insults-on-intellegence that pass as entertainment.

But no, dancing has been around forever. People were dancing all over the place in the Old Testament - although their dancing must have been much better because it made people commit adultery and stuff - nowadays it just makes me want to vomit and stab my eyes with searing red-hot needles.

Still, people have been dancing forever. Inventing new styles of dance, having dance competitions, showing off how well they can dance, etc. People love it. People devote their lives to it and there are even several ridiculously bad movies about it.

But I just can't wrap my head around it. What purpose does it serve? People running around like idiots waving their arms all over the place seems incredibly awkward to me. People holding on to each other and spinning around doesn't make any sense. What does it give us? It's not fun - it's mostly just weird and uncomfortable.

People are always wanting to go to dance clubs so they can dance. I'm sorry, but standing in a big room with several hundred other sweaty people who are jumping up and down and touching me while lights give me an epileptic seizure and fog gives me vertigo sounds like a really bloody horrible weekend. Like, if I didn't know that people already did this kinda thing for fun and I was an evil dictator, I would punish my subjects with just such a scenario.

I don't think I can remember ever seeing someone dance and thinking "wow, that looks incredibly cool - I want to try that!" Dancing has only ever made me scratch my head or, in the case of the "Macarena," severely damaged my fragile psyche and inhibited my ability to not murder people who I see doing it.

Even dumber than regular old dancing is line dancing. In line dancing you get a bunch of people in stupid hats to somehow belittle themselves into walking sideways in unison and then slapping their shoes. Its like synchronized swimming without the water and without the swimmers.

At least synchronized swimming looks cool when filmed from above and can make you laugh. Line dancing just makes you wonder how a bunch of brain-dead retards are managing to display enough intelligence to make the same seemingly random gyrations at the same time.

Now it's time for a caveat. I have to say that break dancing is awesome. Those guys jump around like idiots for a second or two at first, but it's only in preparation for the extreme awesomeness that follows. These guys flip all around doing windmills and flares and look really cool while doing it. Break dancing looks really hard and displays some visually appealing and unusual way to use the human body - that's why it can still be cool.

At one point I thought swing dancing was really cool too, because you get to throw people. Turns out that, besides the throwing of people, swing dancing is lame too.

I can't exactly say something is stupid without offering an alternative pastime. So, next time you want to go dancing, drink Draino and die instead. It has several benefits including, but not limited to; ends the dancing fever, and you're supporting an American company, S.C. Johnson & Son of Racine, Wisconsin, with your purchase of their fine drain cleaning product.

(Sorry Tessa).

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