A GThing Science Project

I can't believe how bad Windows 7 is. Sorry Microsoft, I felt sorry for you when you came out with that horrible assault on intelligence you called Vista, but Windows 7 has shown me that this was not a simple mistake or wayward design, but a deep rooted problem that will never be purged from your operating system until it epically fails in a burning pile of rubble and won't be worth fixing anyway.

Windows is a huge compulsive failure machine.

Fire everyone that has ever worked for you and hire a team of retarded orangutans to throw their feces at a wall. Whatever they come up with will be better than the crap you are working on over there in Redmond.

I wanted to take some screenshots of some of the most idiotic configuration screens I've ever seen this side of a circa 1980 VCR, but I am having trouble even going into the half of my house that contains my Windows 7 machine without going into fits of compulsive vomiting and brain hemorrhaging. I will describe them to you instead.

It used to be that when you opened up the control panel and clicked on say, the network preferences, you would be presented with a window allowing you to configure your network. For example, you could see what network adapters you have in your computer and the status of each of them. This window provided a good starting off point for making changes or troubleshooting (something you spend a LOT of time doing with Windows in general).

This window has been replaced by a picture of your computer with a line drawn over and connecting to "The Internet." Yes, Microsoft believes you are a caveman who has just climbed out of the primordial ooze and is now pawing at this wondrous light box full of so many fascinating images and blinking lights. They are communicating with us in simple shapes. I can imagine Microsoft engineers themselves starring at this screen scratching their heads, trying to keep their own minds from exploding as they strain themselves to whole new planes of brain horsepower to grasp the concept of a computer being connected to the Internet.

The "network and sharing center" as they call it reminds me of so many images scrawled by pre-humans on ancient cave walls. I don't know whether to smack somebody or pat them on the back and say "good job, buddy" before putting them on the short bus.

Want to find that familiar "Network Connections" window? Don't worry because when you click on this hieroglyphic image you are taken to a Finder window showing the contents of your computer. Awesome! Thanks guys, that's exactly why I opened the network preferences, so I could perform a task that has absolutely nothing to do with networking! If you want the window that is actually useful, you have to remember the exact name of it from Windows XP, hope it's the same in Windows 7, and search for it with the little search box.

Microsoft has targeted the absolute lowest common denominator of the human race with their design. Fortunately, their Windows design team is already full of these people. Every simple task that any mouth breathing mucktard should already know how to do is explained in minute detail with many many shiny windows and information boxes, but once you want to do anything worthwhile you have to sit there and search and search and search until you can find the hidden preference pane somewhere. I'm sorry, Microsoft, I don't understand babytalk.

It won't matter if anyone from Microsoft ever reads this. Even if they take it to heart. They'll read it, send it around as a memo, have meetings upon meetings and project my rant onto their boardroom walls. After years of discussion about how to address these problems they will finally make a breakthrough - an advanced concept - "the next level of computing!" they'll say. We will get a talking paperclip or some stupid animated guy named "Microsoft Bob" to talk us through how to set up a samba share or whatever the task may be. Dozens of new Wizards will be made to guide me through the process.

Here's a car analogy, because everyone loves those:

"Hi, I'm Clippy, I've noticed that you're sitting in the driver seat of your car! This probably means you want to drive it! Is that right? Yes, No, or Cancel?"

"Great, you've decided to drive your car! The first thing you will need to do is turn it on. Located in the glove compartment you will find a big shiny red button that says 'START!' Press this button while simultaneously slamming your head against the trunk of the car!"

"Great! Now that you have you car started, you probably want to accelerate it! Now is a great time to look at the 18 pedals located at your feet. I will now explain what each pedal does one by one. When you're ready to continue, go lock yourself in the trunk of the car and start howling life a Wolf!"

"I see you're accelerating at dangerous speeds towards a playground full of children. Would you like to use the brake? Microsoft car needs to install new software to do this - please insert "Microsoft Car Ultimate Super Premium Plus Plus Extravaganza Extra Extra Optional Super Expensive Premium Upgrade Disc!!1! into the CD player and slam your head against the horn to continue!"

I'd really like to keep going, but I have an appointment to slit my wrists and slowly bleed out onto the keyboard of my computer in an attempted suicide offering to Windows 7 . If it finds my offering favorable, it might let me set up a shared network folder!

In all seriousness, Windows 7 is the worst operating system that has ever been made ever. I hate it more than mornings. I hate it more than the RIAA. I hate it more than genocide. I hate it with such a deep seething hatred that not even a life of professional counseling will begin to tap into the depths of my hate for Windows 7.

Microsoft has proven that they are really good at two things: Turning your computer into crap, and buying other people's awesome stuff and turning it into crap too.

I came up with a new joke today:

Q. How many Microsoft engineers does it take to make a decent operating system?

A. It's a trick question, idiot! No amount of engineers or money from Microsoft could ever result in a decent operating system. In fact, for every dollar thrown into the furnace they call Windows, the suck factor goes up exponentially.

It's not a very funny joke, but at least it's true. The alternate ending is to to pull out a gun and shoot yourself in the head. It's optional depending on your commitment to hating useless crap.

Part of me is actually glad that Windows 7 sucks so bad. Microsoft's usual deal is to release one decent operating system every other major release. Seriously:

MSDOS: Awesome

Windows 1.0: WTF?

Windows 3.1: Awesome

Windows 95: WTF?

Windows 98: Not too shabby

Windows ME: ZOMG WTFZOR??!!1?!?

Windows XP: Surprisingly good

Windows Vista: ALERT BLOODRED ZOMG HOLY WTFZOR EPIC FAIL

Windows 7: Awwwww.... hey there little guy! Are you lost?

Microsoft is already losing consumer confidence and market-share faster than a 2 dollar hooker aborts babies. The reason I'm glad is that people are finally recognizing that they don't have to deal with crap to use a computer. Microsoft is going down big time. Vista was the beginning, and Windows 7 is the nail in the coffin.

The more you tighten your grip on the computer world, the more market share will slip through your fingers.

More and more people will flee Microsoft like rats from a sinking ship. It will be beautiful. That brings me to my favorite part:

Dealing with someone who is just coming off Windows (yes, I'm speaking of it as if it were an illicit drug) is an amazing thing to watch. They stare at the desktop of OS X and you can see all the little gears turning inside their head. "Okay, I want to connect to the Internet," you can almost hear them thinking, "if I was a computer, what would be the most convoluted way to make this happen?" They begin furiously clicking on preference panes and Apple logos going from screen to screen. Then you do the big reveal: "Look, you're already connected to the Internet!"

They gasp in unbelief; "But I didn't tell the computer if I was at my home or at my office! I didn't set up my intranet preferences! I didn't configure my 3 software firewalls to allow connections to the web browser! Where are al the warnings and questions?" It's a beautiful thing to get to be the one to say "forget everything Microsoft taught you about using a computer. From now on just do what seems intuitive and it will work 90% of the time." A tear comes to their eye and they grab you in an embrace and whisper "I never knew... All these years I..."

"It's okay. Everything is okay now."

Dear Microsoft fanboys: Don't bother leaving comments. I will only give you a big smile, pat you on your head, and tell you how cute you are. Don't miss the shortbus!